Oct. 2nd, 2014

022

Oct. 2nd, 2014 09:29 pm
It's been about six months since I arrived in Japan, and about that long since I posted here, too. lol Sorry about that, if anyone still reads this!

I've gone through a lot since I arrived here, and honestly a lot of really tough stuff, that is ongoing. School work itself is basically the least of my worries, so I suppose in some way that's good, but it would kind of be ideal if more of my difficulties were of that focus, like a normal university student.

Recently I've sort of been feeling like my life is entirely falling apart. That sounds really trite written here. I feel stupid saying it, honestly. But I truly know less about myself or what I really want or where I'm going to end up than I ever have in my life. And I feel really, utterly useless, disgusting, and stupid.

Japan is really hard on people. Moving to this country without really being able to speak and understand is hard. It's a racist country without meaning to be in the same way a gentleman tries to treat a woman well without realizing he may be acting extremely patronizing and chauvinist. Being here for four years is going to prove to be interesting and incredibly challenging: I've already lost a good group of friends from last semester that went on their way back to their own lives in their home countries and am having a hard time adjusting to making real friendships with the new ones that have arrived, if only due to the huge amount of drama at the end of last.

Furthermore I've realized I really do have to start putting myself, my goals, my desires, and my feelings first. I once heard a saying that went something like "do not put such a cheap price on yourself, for you can be sure the world will not raise it for you". More and more this seems like the truth.

People who love you when you're a child will tell you you can be and do anything. When you're a child and young adult they tell you if you're smart and you work hard you can succeed. I don't believe this in full. Firstly because you have to be dealt a very good hand no matter what to succeed in this life. Secondly, I've seen what a massive, massive advantage this baseless world gives to those who are genetically sheer lucky enough to be given what the current status quo defines as 'beauty'. So if you're given a marginally good start and you're gorgeous, yes, the world will hand itself to you. As long as you're beautiful. That's especially hard for a woman, and especially a woman who's not.

I've also had to come to the realization that I'm old. I'm getting old. I'll be frightfully old basically when I graduate. By that time what person will want me, what workplace will want me? I've fought with that. And also my health. I wasn't given such a good hand in that either, and unbeknownst to me I carried the tendency for and then developed some serious issues such as diabetes and liver disease. I've found myself wondering if I'll have 20 years after I graduate before I basically decay or have a heart attack, and wondering this seriously. Things that have happened in the last several months have not calmed these worries either, only exacerbated them.

I'm a mess right now, truly. So while I plod along and continue my studies I try not to think too hard about the future or myself or else I just become even more depressed. I try to just hope for good things to cross my path and doors to open. Good people. And I try not to think too hard. I try just to keep going.

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lisawilliamson

January 2015

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