012

Mar. 7th, 2014 10:31 am
10 days until Japan.

Holy shit. lol
Today I scheduled an appointment for my car to be looked at at the autobody shop on Monday, I'm leaving it there on Sunday afternoon.
I posted both of my guitars on Kijiji, but since there's lots of competition (like seriously epic tons), we'll see how that goes. :P

My party is tomorrow. I changed it from going to the club to going for karaoke. I tried to make my going away party with friends something that everyone would want to come to, but instead it ended up being all weird and messed up, so I just changed it to something that I wanted to do, the end. LOL

I ordered my foreign currency yesterday, ¥180,000 worth. When I think about everything that has to be spent on in the next month, it sure doesn't seem like a lot. :C I hope my guitars and my car sell quickly.

My last week of work is almost here. I just have today and then five more days, and I'm gone. That part is exciting. :3 I'm also super worried about getting around while I'm in Japan, but I'll do my best. :P

I didn't realize how scary it was before that this was the first time I'm doing this all alone, which sounds stupid, but it's true. At least before I always had one other English-speaking person to depend on the whole way. Now it's just me, myself, and I. And I won't even have the Internet to help me out, either. Dang.

011

Mar. 6th, 2014 09:36 am
11 days until Japan.

I should be more excited. Right now I just feel nervous and stressed. lol
But on that same note, I'm just more than ready to get out of here. It was snowing again this morning. It's been -20 to -30 celcius for days. I'll be honest; I am so fucking tired of it--language representative.

I'm tired of being this. I'm tired of being fat, of being unhealthy, of doing nothing with my life. I'm tired of having struggled and struggled for years with nothing to show for it and having done nothing (besides living in Vancouver) that made me any level of happy. I'm just really, really ready to leave and be done and start again. That's really how I feel. Frustrated.

I'm also scared because there's so little time yet and I have so much left to do still. I feel like I really shouldn't be working five days a week right now just to allow for time to get stuff done, but I am. I'm working up until like two days before I leave. :/ I did this partially because (okay, entirely because) I knew my parents would be angry if I took an entire week and two days off before leaving. Because I "need to be working"; a phrase they tell me pretty well constantly. I know. I know.

I am not feeling well. I'm sniffly and my stomach hurts and I threw up this morning; my periods have been hitting me really, really hard these days. I don't even care if that's TMI. You can deal with it today.

006

Feb. 9th, 2014 04:19 pm
37 days until Japan.

While I've been looking on Instagram at some people's photos of cute food, drink, sweets, and meals in Japan... I just now realized something. I've been so busy stressing and freaking out about money and things to do that even until now, just about a month before I leave, and certifiably five weeks before my last day of work, that I haven't spent pretty well any time being happy or excited. I'm always worried, always stressed, always unhappy about it. I'm sure my parents don't really see this as a good sign, and I'm sure they see me as ungrateful for the opportunity (like I'm certain many of my friends do too), but I'm not. At all. And I wish they would understand. It's extremely difficult for me not to be overwhelmed and stressed about the whole situation because when things are beyond my control or I don't/can't immediately understand them (or look up how to understand them, lol) I get very anxious and uncomfortable.

Here. Let me give you a metaphor. Imagine you take an animal who is more a "flighter" than a fighter, say a deer for example. And you take that deer, who has lived its whole life in a habitat not so well-suited for it, say on the outskirts of a busy city and pollutants, etc. This animal has a very sensitive reception to the world around it, as the nature of deer do, and you throw it in a brand new environment (or, if you could, instead even further increase the anxiety by effectively telling it before the shift happens that it's going into a brand new environment and has to deal with everything at home and has to say goodbye to everyone even if not forever and that it won't easily understand anyone or anything despite any lifelong preparations and nothing is guaranteed)... You wouldn't go; "God, that deer is so ungrateful for the great life and opportunity it has," even if the new environment is perfectly suited for it, and you've worked so hard to help it get there. Eventually you know that deer is going to be much better off, and the deer, if it could consciously do so, once settled would very much thank you for it. Instead you would probably go; "Wow, that's a big move for that little guy, I hope he adjusts okay and that he enjoys his new home!" ...Which, as you know will probably happen, but will still be scary for that deer in the meantime.

Meanwhile, there are other animals who have a more extroverted/adaptive personality naturally, that you wouldn't worry about quite as much. Like a dog, for example. If you were able to tell a dog with good temperament that "Oh hey you're going to this new home, and it'll be better suited for you, even though you have to get through this stuff first, etc." that dog would probably be excited from the get-go and be a lot less worried about possible outcomes and managing everything, he'd just let things go and hope it all worked out.

I am much more like that deer than that dog.

It is incredibly difficult for me to just "relax and go with the flow". If you ask me how I'm feeling about Japan, I'm likely to say "stressed, overwhelmed, and worried". Right now those factors have an incredibly strong grip on me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not excited, looking forward to it, or that I don't want to go--not even close. I am definitely all those things, and every single day I'm on the internet looking at places I want to go, to see, how I want to set up my room, what are the most effective things for making a study space at home, thinking about school supplies, meeting new people, finding new connections... yes! I'm very excited and looking forward to it but I'm also extremely anxious, and it's hard to tune that out. I'm an introvert by nature so I ask a lot of "what ifs". It's not always constructive, I know. And I express myself way better through writing, especially in a world that doesn't always let me get my thoughts out properly with how quickly everyone talks and how loudly, also. I prefer to give people a chance to fully hear me when they have a moment to actually take it in; otherwise I feel pretty ignored by the world around me. At least here, in North America, where everyone is loud and boisterous and extroverted. It's not the same everywhere, and that's another reason I'm looking forward to moving. I imagine it more like a forest of grazing deer with a few interruptions than a bustling inner-city dog park.

Yes, I'm looking forward to it. I know my friends and family can't always tell (or depending on how they perceive things or if/how they listen, sometimes can't tell at all) but I am. I don't show it in a way that's easy to recognize but here's a tip: If I'm fretting over it, it means a lot to me, which means I care, which means it's very important, which means I'd be really, really upset if it didn't get to happen. I can't wait to go!! That's difficult for me to even write down because then a crushing weight of "but you still have aaaallll this stuff to worry about" comes down like an anvil but it's just because I like to have control over my affairs and right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Here's another useful life example: I hate flying, but wanted desperately to be a fighter pilot before I found out my eyes wouldn't be allowing for it. What's the difference? I'm in control, or not. I'll be fine! I'm working through it as best I can!

I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing a much happier version of me coming to a Skype screen near you in the very near future.

002

Feb. 2nd, 2014 09:28 pm
44 days until I leave for Japan.

That's insane. It's still so unreal to me. As soon as I start to think about it, honestly, I just start to panic. Especially in terms of things I still need to take care of, such as paperwork (i.e. student visa things) and selling valuable items (i.e. my car, my BJDs) and getting things in order (also like my car) and money/finances and banking etc. There's just such a massive list!! In terms of just appointments I have to make, I have to see my doctor, have to make an appointment at the bank while my mother is here instead of in California to have her cosign my loan (since I'm going out of the country for school), have another dental appointment March 5th, have to make another appointment to get my car looked at/made ready for sale... Then I have to actually do sales posts for my other doll, all the clothing items, my dance pole, take my Wii, my DS and my 3DS in, all the games, the FitBoard, etc... all to Video Game Trader or EB and try and get something for them... Refurbish my old computer a bit to get ready to sell to Jose (even if not for much)... This is only a quarter of it all, I swear. Then there's still finishing Language Death by David Crystal for my book review, actually finishing the review, then with a bunch of other assorted paperwork and documents that I don't even have yet, sending them to the school before I even arrive there, let alone do the orientation. Then the housing applications and paperwork are later this month. Anything I'm not taking to Japan, also, will be gone forever. And I'm only taking two suitcases, a backpack and then shipping myself one box of shoes. That's it.
My entire life.

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind and full of anxiety and trying really hard not to panic constantly. And oh yeah, I have to try and manage all of this while working full-time.

Jesus. I'm so overwhelmed. I think I'll stop writing here before I make myself cry (I wish I was kidding)!

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