023

Jan. 2nd, 2015 12:26 pm
Wow, has it ever been a long time since I posted something here.
First of all, happy new year to anyone reading this! ♡
Being on vacation is great, I finally actually get enough sleep. lol

Over the Christmas season, things were really intense for me. Intense and tiring and I definitely lived in excess with the things I was interested in and wanted. I completely and utterly spoiled myself and from this alone I learned some things. I learned that it wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. I learned that it was stressful. I learned that that's not really who I am. Society says you should or would be happy if you have this and this, if you do this and this. But at the end of the day I found that really wasn't the case, so this experience helped shape some of my new years resolutions.

I did make resolutions this year, only three. Three big ones that are important to me, that have many subgoals beneath them. I will share them here.

1. Make it to my goal weight: 150 pounds.
This goal has many subgoals under it, and I have begun planning out how to do this properly. Upon coming to Japan, I very quickly lost 40 pounds, barely even trying. I then gained twenty back over the summer, on mostly a diet of convenience store food after traversing the country following my band with a friend. I then lost about half of that again, so I'm still at a total loss of 30 pounds, but it has been sitting at that for months. It's time to up my game and add more actual exercise and training to this regimen while once again cutting out sodas (what I did when I first lost 40) and less fried food.

2. Pass JLPT Level 3.
There is a Level 4, but it's not worth shit, so it's not worth taking. The JLPT, for those who don't know, is a standardized nationwide "Japanese Language Proficiency Test" that is available for anyone who wants to take it twice a year in Japan, including Japanese nationals. N1 is basically "I can read a newspaper" level. N3 is basically "I can live in Japan" level. :P N2 is "I'm pretty proficient". I want to be able to pass N3 with flying colours next winter. (This also includes an undertone of studying Japanese myself more intensively, with a focus on more kanji.)

3. Resolve my finances.
2014 was the year of excess, but not this year. I need to settle down, use my cash book, go to less lives, be more conscientious of my spending on food and entertainment (which will also be helped by trying earnestly to lose more weight and study harder), find a decent part-time job come springtime and begin to pay back some of my debts. I also have the HUGE financial burden of trying to find a new apartment to live in mid-June, which... I am terrified of. The cost of 3x the rent just to begin living there, none of which you ever get back, the cost of buying things like a bed, fridge, etc... x_x; My parents would say "you should have thought about that sooner", but I didn't, so ha. :P

So there's my resolutions for the year. Three solid, somewhat lofty goals, but they will all make my life much, much better and much more fun in the end.

It's interesting to me though, that I've become so scared to say anything. I stopped using this journal in general because my parents have access to reading it, and even though I'm an adult living halfway around the world, whenever I do anything at all in the back of my mind I hear them scolding me. So I feel that I always have to hide what I'm interested in or what I'm truly enjoying, because to them it's stupid and foolish and I'm just a useless kid. I really feel that's how they see me; especially in comparison to my brother who is obviously going to do so well for himself. I sometimes want to cry that I'm not some fancy, slim, fit businessman who could make them proud. This honestly weighs on me daily, so instead I just gloss over my passions (as much as I can) when I talk to them, and they only get like 0.001% of the story because I know they're ashamed and not interested. My life, it would seem, is a useless pile of getting-nowhere. It obviously makes me feel bad on the daily, that I'm not something to be proud of. lol I try and just get over it, and it causes me to do stupid things because I have this little beast in my mind going; "Welp, you're never going anywhere anyway, everything you like and do is stupid, you're so futile, you're so ugly, you're so fat, you're so useless, you're always going to be alone, what the fuck are you doing, lol stupid bitch". It's constant. I can't even tell you how constant it is. I wake up and the first thing I feel, before I even think, is something like a sadness.

I love my friends, but I'm losing them all this month. Egiya and Nicole are both going home. Chika is moving to Hiroshima and quite possibly leaving the vkei scene altogether. It's hard to find people you can really trust here, and even when you do, they all leave eventually. The Japanese students do not mix with the foreign ones. We even have our separate lounge at school, the Fujita Global Lounge, which is nicknamed by the students here as 'the Cage' (sometimes even the 'Gaijin (Foreigner) Cage').

I do my best here. I'm still struggling with a lot. I try and make it look like I have fun all the time, but on the daily there's a lot of struggles. A lot. Sometimes it's hard not to cry every day; especially feeling like I have no support on any side of me. I feel like I'm this island who has to stay and look happy and handle everything perfectly and never fuck up and just take everything in stride and be perfectly okay all the time. I can't even be sad to my family; ESPECIALLY not my family, and that sucks.

Buh. I don't even know what else to say, I upset myself. lol
Have a good day, anyone who is reading this.

022

Oct. 2nd, 2014 09:29 pm
It's been about six months since I arrived in Japan, and about that long since I posted here, too. lol Sorry about that, if anyone still reads this!

I've gone through a lot since I arrived here, and honestly a lot of really tough stuff, that is ongoing. School work itself is basically the least of my worries, so I suppose in some way that's good, but it would kind of be ideal if more of my difficulties were of that focus, like a normal university student.

Recently I've sort of been feeling like my life is entirely falling apart. That sounds really trite written here. I feel stupid saying it, honestly. But I truly know less about myself or what I really want or where I'm going to end up than I ever have in my life. And I feel really, utterly useless, disgusting, and stupid.

Japan is really hard on people. Moving to this country without really being able to speak and understand is hard. It's a racist country without meaning to be in the same way a gentleman tries to treat a woman well without realizing he may be acting extremely patronizing and chauvinist. Being here for four years is going to prove to be interesting and incredibly challenging: I've already lost a good group of friends from last semester that went on their way back to their own lives in their home countries and am having a hard time adjusting to making real friendships with the new ones that have arrived, if only due to the huge amount of drama at the end of last.

Furthermore I've realized I really do have to start putting myself, my goals, my desires, and my feelings first. I once heard a saying that went something like "do not put such a cheap price on yourself, for you can be sure the world will not raise it for you". More and more this seems like the truth.

People who love you when you're a child will tell you you can be and do anything. When you're a child and young adult they tell you if you're smart and you work hard you can succeed. I don't believe this in full. Firstly because you have to be dealt a very good hand no matter what to succeed in this life. Secondly, I've seen what a massive, massive advantage this baseless world gives to those who are genetically sheer lucky enough to be given what the current status quo defines as 'beauty'. So if you're given a marginally good start and you're gorgeous, yes, the world will hand itself to you. As long as you're beautiful. That's especially hard for a woman, and especially a woman who's not.

I've also had to come to the realization that I'm old. I'm getting old. I'll be frightfully old basically when I graduate. By that time what person will want me, what workplace will want me? I've fought with that. And also my health. I wasn't given such a good hand in that either, and unbeknownst to me I carried the tendency for and then developed some serious issues such as diabetes and liver disease. I've found myself wondering if I'll have 20 years after I graduate before I basically decay or have a heart attack, and wondering this seriously. Things that have happened in the last several months have not calmed these worries either, only exacerbated them.

I'm a mess right now, truly. So while I plod along and continue my studies I try not to think too hard about the future or myself or else I just become even more depressed. I try to just hope for good things to cross my path and doors to open. Good people. And I try not to think too hard. I try just to keep going.

Profile

lisawilliamson

January 2015

S M T W T F S
    1 23
45 678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 06:41 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios