014

Mar. 17th, 2014 10:33 am
0 days until Japan.

I leave tomorrow. I'm still not completely packed. I'm stressed and frazzled lol. We need to leave here at 6:30 am tomorrow for my flight so... dang. That's a little intense. I am feeling rather overwhelmed because there are about eight million loose ends. Before the end of the day I need to:

☑ Call the bank about student line of credit
↳ ☐ Go to the bank to sign off on student line of credit
☑ Call the insurance company about cancellation of my car insurance
☐ Get all my papers in order for school/immigration
☐ Finish packing
☐ Re-colour hair

And those are the priorities. As for buying things I still wanted:

☐ Laptop case
☐ Mulberry

I probably won't get to that but whatever. LOL
In other news, this is the cutest thing to come from Liz Lisa in a couple months:


Floral and pink and lacy, my favourite. x3


Quick update. Just so busy I don't feel like my head's even on straight. I probably won't be able to update again until I'm actually in Japan, so I guess stay tuned? lol

012

Mar. 7th, 2014 10:31 am
10 days until Japan.

Holy shit. lol
Today I scheduled an appointment for my car to be looked at at the autobody shop on Monday, I'm leaving it there on Sunday afternoon.
I posted both of my guitars on Kijiji, but since there's lots of competition (like seriously epic tons), we'll see how that goes. :P

My party is tomorrow. I changed it from going to the club to going for karaoke. I tried to make my going away party with friends something that everyone would want to come to, but instead it ended up being all weird and messed up, so I just changed it to something that I wanted to do, the end. LOL

I ordered my foreign currency yesterday, ¥180,000 worth. When I think about everything that has to be spent on in the next month, it sure doesn't seem like a lot. :C I hope my guitars and my car sell quickly.

My last week of work is almost here. I just have today and then five more days, and I'm gone. That part is exciting. :3 I'm also super worried about getting around while I'm in Japan, but I'll do my best. :P

I didn't realize how scary it was before that this was the first time I'm doing this all alone, which sounds stupid, but it's true. At least before I always had one other English-speaking person to depend on the whole way. Now it's just me, myself, and I. And I won't even have the Internet to help me out, either. Dang.

011

Mar. 6th, 2014 09:36 am
11 days until Japan.

I should be more excited. Right now I just feel nervous and stressed. lol
But on that same note, I'm just more than ready to get out of here. It was snowing again this morning. It's been -20 to -30 celcius for days. I'll be honest; I am so fucking tired of it--language representative.

I'm tired of being this. I'm tired of being fat, of being unhealthy, of doing nothing with my life. I'm tired of having struggled and struggled for years with nothing to show for it and having done nothing (besides living in Vancouver) that made me any level of happy. I'm just really, really ready to leave and be done and start again. That's really how I feel. Frustrated.

I'm also scared because there's so little time yet and I have so much left to do still. I feel like I really shouldn't be working five days a week right now just to allow for time to get stuff done, but I am. I'm working up until like two days before I leave. :/ I did this partially because (okay, entirely because) I knew my parents would be angry if I took an entire week and two days off before leaving. Because I "need to be working"; a phrase they tell me pretty well constantly. I know. I know.

I am not feeling well. I'm sniffly and my stomach hurts and I threw up this morning; my periods have been hitting me really, really hard these days. I don't even care if that's TMI. You can deal with it today.

006

Feb. 9th, 2014 04:19 pm
37 days until Japan.

While I've been looking on Instagram at some people's photos of cute food, drink, sweets, and meals in Japan... I just now realized something. I've been so busy stressing and freaking out about money and things to do that even until now, just about a month before I leave, and certifiably five weeks before my last day of work, that I haven't spent pretty well any time being happy or excited. I'm always worried, always stressed, always unhappy about it. I'm sure my parents don't really see this as a good sign, and I'm sure they see me as ungrateful for the opportunity (like I'm certain many of my friends do too), but I'm not. At all. And I wish they would understand. It's extremely difficult for me not to be overwhelmed and stressed about the whole situation because when things are beyond my control or I don't/can't immediately understand them (or look up how to understand them, lol) I get very anxious and uncomfortable.

Here. Let me give you a metaphor. Imagine you take an animal who is more a "flighter" than a fighter, say a deer for example. And you take that deer, who has lived its whole life in a habitat not so well-suited for it, say on the outskirts of a busy city and pollutants, etc. This animal has a very sensitive reception to the world around it, as the nature of deer do, and you throw it in a brand new environment (or, if you could, instead even further increase the anxiety by effectively telling it before the shift happens that it's going into a brand new environment and has to deal with everything at home and has to say goodbye to everyone even if not forever and that it won't easily understand anyone or anything despite any lifelong preparations and nothing is guaranteed)... You wouldn't go; "God, that deer is so ungrateful for the great life and opportunity it has," even if the new environment is perfectly suited for it, and you've worked so hard to help it get there. Eventually you know that deer is going to be much better off, and the deer, if it could consciously do so, once settled would very much thank you for it. Instead you would probably go; "Wow, that's a big move for that little guy, I hope he adjusts okay and that he enjoys his new home!" ...Which, as you know will probably happen, but will still be scary for that deer in the meantime.

Meanwhile, there are other animals who have a more extroverted/adaptive personality naturally, that you wouldn't worry about quite as much. Like a dog, for example. If you were able to tell a dog with good temperament that "Oh hey you're going to this new home, and it'll be better suited for you, even though you have to get through this stuff first, etc." that dog would probably be excited from the get-go and be a lot less worried about possible outcomes and managing everything, he'd just let things go and hope it all worked out.

I am much more like that deer than that dog.

It is incredibly difficult for me to just "relax and go with the flow". If you ask me how I'm feeling about Japan, I'm likely to say "stressed, overwhelmed, and worried". Right now those factors have an incredibly strong grip on me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not excited, looking forward to it, or that I don't want to go--not even close. I am definitely all those things, and every single day I'm on the internet looking at places I want to go, to see, how I want to set up my room, what are the most effective things for making a study space at home, thinking about school supplies, meeting new people, finding new connections... yes! I'm very excited and looking forward to it but I'm also extremely anxious, and it's hard to tune that out. I'm an introvert by nature so I ask a lot of "what ifs". It's not always constructive, I know. And I express myself way better through writing, especially in a world that doesn't always let me get my thoughts out properly with how quickly everyone talks and how loudly, also. I prefer to give people a chance to fully hear me when they have a moment to actually take it in; otherwise I feel pretty ignored by the world around me. At least here, in North America, where everyone is loud and boisterous and extroverted. It's not the same everywhere, and that's another reason I'm looking forward to moving. I imagine it more like a forest of grazing deer with a few interruptions than a bustling inner-city dog park.

Yes, I'm looking forward to it. I know my friends and family can't always tell (or depending on how they perceive things or if/how they listen, sometimes can't tell at all) but I am. I don't show it in a way that's easy to recognize but here's a tip: If I'm fretting over it, it means a lot to me, which means I care, which means it's very important, which means I'd be really, really upset if it didn't get to happen. I can't wait to go!! That's difficult for me to even write down because then a crushing weight of "but you still have aaaallll this stuff to worry about" comes down like an anvil but it's just because I like to have control over my affairs and right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Here's another useful life example: I hate flying, but wanted desperately to be a fighter pilot before I found out my eyes wouldn't be allowing for it. What's the difference? I'm in control, or not. I'll be fine! I'm working through it as best I can!

I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing a much happier version of me coming to a Skype screen near you in the very near future.

005

Feb. 8th, 2014 09:01 am
38 days until Japan.

Today, since it is gross and blizzard-y outside, I am really going to focus on selling my dolls, doing my book review, and organizing/taking stuff off of/resetting my old computer so that Jose can have it. He's buying it from me on payday, this coming Friday, so I do have a couple of days. It's mostly a giveaway, the stuff on it as far as applications go, the additional Mac keyboard, etc... it's worth over 1k but since it has problems I'm giving it to him for $150. I have to just start getting rid of things, things I simply can't take with me, things that have needed to go for a long time anyway.

When I look around and see how much stuff I still have to list and manage though, I get anxious and overwhelmed and feel like just giving up. The problem is though, I don't have an option. Anything I don't list goes in the garbage. My parents have never had a policy of letting me store anything, so this will be the third time in my life I have to get rid of everything I own or just toss it. /bitter lol

The goal is for me to bring two checked bags/suitcases, and my backpack. (Then ship myself my box of shoes later.) If you think about it, for that being everything I own, that is not a lot of stuff. Not a lot of clothing, or beauty stuff, or anything. Some girls take that much stuff on a week vacation; that's going to comprise everything in my life. Additionally I still have to get a Japanese adapter, or even two, for some of my stuff until I can find Japanese replacements (i.e. my straightener).

Soon I'll have to handle my phone stuff, too. Cancel/pay out my contract, which costs a bunch of money I don't have. Buy a new phone in Japan. Sooo much money for everything.

Still have to sell my car. I don't even think it will start right now, so can't do anything about that at the moment. It needs to have a couple last things fixed up and go for a wash. More money money money. I don't think I'd be anywhere near as stressed about these things if I weren't grasping at straws for funds here. The fact that I "can't work" properly while in Japan on a student visa is hugely an issue that frightens and stresses me every single moment of every single day. While I do very wholly welcome the prospect of not having to balance time between working a crap job and studying -- which gives me a whole lot of time for concentrating on getting good grades and excelling at reading and writing Japanese, which I am happy for -- I am extremely stressed about monthly payments of things and having enough to get by and enjoy myself on occasion. e_e;

I know there's the student line of credit thing, but that whole prospect terrifies me. Debt terrifies me. I JUST managed to get out of 3k of debt after TWO YEARS. And I never would have, either, if it were not for some lucky breaks with things like getting to live in a place where I don't have as many bills to pay. How in the bloody fuck am I going to manage 40k?

For people who are going to become doctors or business entrepreneurs, putting yourself in that kind of situation seems logical. You'll pay it back, in a few years' time. But for me? It just seems like... I already have no confidence that I will ever, ever be able to afford my own place of residence, unless it was like a 100-square-foot box in the middle of nowhere. How in the bloody hell am I ever supposed to pay back 40k in loans? Every single day the prospect absolutely terrifies me, it almost makes me cry. I can't imagine ever not living paycheck to paycheck. I can't imagine ever having a career that I like that makes me a "lot" of money, and by a lot I mean 4-5k a month. I'm already old. I'm 25 and just starting my solid university career, which I feel I will finally finish, a field of study I feel I finally belong. I won't graduate until I'm almost 30. By that time I will have lost eight years of career-building time that most post-grads have, and have nothing to show for it.

The long story short is... yeah, I can take out this student line of credit, sure. But I absolutely don't want to have to use it often. I hope in my whole four years at school I can use less than 1/4 of what's allowed. I might be able to manage that okay, maybe.

I swear to god in my life I've never been so scared or stressed about money. Bah.

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lisawilliamson

January 2015

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